Letting the Horse Lead
My greatest curse and gift is believing there’s nothing I can’t fix. It has caused/compounded problems in my relationship[s]. It has made me eject from things I [c/sh]ould have stuck with; Left me stuck in situations I [c/sh]ould have long left. This belief has prevented me from asking for help; from even knowing when I needed it. This way of being had been etched into my soul because I’ve proven myself right so many times.
“I can and will figure it out. Because I must. Because no one else will.”
Because it’s my responsibility. Because I need to. Because If I don’t, I won’t survive. And I must survive. And I did. Even beyond that, I thrived. Saved myself from material ruin time and time again. I’ve seen material heights my younger self thought impossible and my current feels as a fever dream. Through this “cursed” gift I’ve amassed Intellectual ability and agility that have awarded me many boons over many moons. Beyond that, I’ve forged a basis of wisdom that made me an amazing entertainer, friend and lover.
All of this is till I am met with things I cannot fix. For that’s when the fear sets in. A fear installed before I was cognizant enough to know it was trauma. Finding myself [a prepubescent child at the time] growing up while having to therapize and sympathize with my abuser. A dread reinforced by finding myself flying from one trapeze to the next without a safety net. Having to navigate lack of stable housing, food insecurity and lack of funds just barely out of high school.
“I can and will figure it out. Because I must. Because no one else will.”
So now, my body doesn’t know the difference. My mind, for all of it’s power and wizardry is fooled when I come across an “unfixable”. It feels like life and death again. Doesn’t matter if it’s misunderstanding/displeasure at work or school. Irrelevant as to whether or not it’s misread intention. We care not if it is immutable action/pattern of thought from another human. I must fix/understand it.
“Because it is my responsibility. Because if I don’t, I will die”
This is not truth; This is how it feels. Though, due to our ego being the greatest weaver of believable tales, I behave accordingly. I fixate, I obsess and persist. I don’t stop trying angles until the puzzle is solved or the opportunity removed from me. The longer this waltz carries on, the more frustration rises. Till fear and frustration mimic rage and like a feral cat, I lash out. And it would feel justified. After all, I tried everything else, why not leave abruptly? They kept disrespecting me no matter how much I tried to get to a middle ground; why shouldn’t I disrespect them too?
What I kept missing till now was when it came time to stop trying. When simple acceptance and patience - my north star and guiding principle - was needed instead of persistence and insistence. That so many fires would have petered out. Would’ve never even started if I realized I needn’t fix EVERY FUCKING PROBLEM that is presented to me.
Because regardless of what my body may scream or what my mind may be tricked into believing.
“[So] Many times I cannot fix it. And I never need[ed] to. Because eventually I will die. And will have wished I made better use of my time.”
